Half Birthday

I've been meaning to post this for a while, but I've been busy.

Liam turned 6 months old last week. 6 months!! I remember reading a devotional book for new moms that was for the first 6 weeks of motherhood, and I when I started it I couldn't fathom making it that far.

6 months. So much has changed.

We went to stay with my husband's parents for a few days last weekend. We hadn't been there since Christmas, when Liam was a mere 7 weeks old. I felt like a broken record. All I could think about (and talk about) was how much had changed since the last time we were there!! At that point we were still co-sleeping, and he wouldn't tolerate being put down. Ever. We took turns holding him while we ate dinner. Will opened all of my Christmas presents for me so I could hold Liam. I slept on the couch in the living room, and Will slept on the floor next to me. We still did middle of the night feedings. We were exhausted.

This time around, Liam went to bed around 7pm and woke up around 7 am. He napped really well, and enjoyed spending time in his ExerSaucer while we ate (except of course at dinner, when he was fast asleep.) Will and I slept in a real bed.

6 months. We made it to 6 months.

I walked past a display of Tommee Tippee bottles the other day, and I teared up (for the record, it doesn't take much to make me cry now that I'm a mom.) We used a Tommee Tippee bottle very early in the game with Liam, and seeing those bottles took me back to that time. I didn't tear up because I was sad that my baby has grown so much. I teared up because I am so relieved not to be in that newborn stage any more. It was the hardest time period of my life. I have loved Liam from the start, but I was miserable in the beginning. So miserable that walking past a display of bottles makes me want to cry tears of joy and relief.

Enough feelings. How about some pictures?

Here's a little segment I like to call "Then & Now."
Enjoy.

Bottles

We own six 8 oz bottles. Baby bottles, that is. And as I was washing some of them tonight, I couldn't help but remember the early days, when six bottles weren't enough to get us through 24 hours. My hands were chapped, cracked, and bleeding in those days. I washed a lot of bottles. I would sleep with vitamin A & D ointment on my hands. And today, my son transitioned himself from eating 4 times a day to eating 3 times a day. It might not seem like much of a difference, but it is. I remember how each time he dropped a bottle, that it seemed like new possibilities were opening up. I remember how it felt when I only had to wash bottles once a day. I remember how empowered I felt when I decided to feed him five 6 oz bottles instead of six 5 oz bottles. I remember the transition to four 8 oz bottles, and how I would have been happy to stay there forever. But Liam decided today that he wanted his 3 squares a day, thank you very much. So we've gone from not having enough bottles to get through 24 hours, to having enough bottles for 2 days.

Does it seem like I'm making a big deal out of nothing? I might be. But I am just continually reminded of how quickly things change with kids. The early days were so hopeless for me, in many ways. It just never seemed like things would get better. And today, I went to the mall with him, had LOTS of laughs and snuggles with him, fed him 3 times, and put him to bed at 7:00.

No matter where you are in life, things will change. The good things will change. The bad things will change. God is our only constant. Hold on to Him, and enjoy the ride.

Good Grief

The PMS pendulum has swung the other way.

I just spent 20 minutes looking at pictures of Liam as a newborn. While looking at the pictures taken of him as they were cleaning him off, I started to cry. Not because he's grown so much since then (and believe me, he has). But because I just love him SO MUCH!!!!!

The worst part? My friend Brianna had to sit through all the picture-looking and crying. I should buy her something for that.

Baby

I'm learning a lot about God now that I'm a parent. Shocking, right? I really think that's why he let me be a Mom, so I would learn more about him. I can read things in a book, and have some understanding, but I learn much better through listening (like a sermon) and through experience.

What brought this train of thought on was my son's reaction to a diaper change yesterday. He hates having his diaper changed 99% of the time. Especially when it's time to eat, and he can see his bottle sitting on the table. But I have this thing about letting my little boy sit in his own waste. I just don't like it. So, before I feed him, I lay him down to check and/or change his diaper. I do this about 99% of the times that I feed him, so he really shouldn't be shocked. But every time I do it, he falls apart. His life is over. He is so hungry that he is going to die.

He doesn't realize that what Mommy is doing is actually a good thing, that it will help him in the long run. He doesn't know about diaper rash and UTI's and all kinds of other unpleasantries like those. All he can see is the bottle he's not eating. And he doesn't even realize that he'll be eating it in 2 minutes or less (I'm a pretty quick diaper-changer these days.)

How many times do we fall apart when we think God isn't giving us what we need? How many times have you cried your eyes out because things didn't turn out like you thought? I sure have. I'm such a baby.

But I'm God's baby. And He loves me more than I will ever know.

Things I Don't Like

I don't like having to watch my son receive shots. The agony in his eyes and face, the tears streaming, looking at me like "Mommy, why are you letting this happen???"

I also don't like my son having to have his circumcision......um........tweaked.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

We're at such an interesting stage with Liam right now. It seems like, all of a sudden, all of his 'gear' is changing. He's too big for his car seat, so we're going to get a 'big boy' car seat this weekend. Since his stroller is a stroller frame that his car seat attaches to, we are also going to put together his 'big boy; umbrella stroller. In an effort to keep him more upright, we've put together the ExerSaucer and are in the process of putting together his high chair. I had wanted to start putting him in his highchair anyway to get him used to it, since we will most likely be starting solids next week(!). But then today, as I was washing bottles, he starts straining to sit up in his bouncy seat. So no more bouncy seat! We put him in the ExerSaucer last night, but it didn't go great. I tried again this morning, sitting as close to it as I could, and he did better. Until he caught sight of his beloved gym. He looked at it so longingly that I had to let him lay in it (he'll have a permanent flat spot on his head, I know it.) While he laid in his gym I took the bassinet level out of his Pack n Play, bagged it up, and all the newborn accessories we had been storing under it. See what I mean? It's all happening at once. But I'm not sad! I'm excited that my little boy is growing. I can't WAIT to get to know him!!!!!!

Blessed

I am so insanely blessed. Did you know that?

There really are too many blessings to list here, but I'll throw out a couple. Today Liam and I walked around the neighborhood for an hour. Well, I walked, he slept in his stroller. It was SO GOOD to be outside, in the sunshine and fresh air. Having a baby at the beginning of November is not ideal if you live in a climate like ours. We have been cooped up in the house for way too long. So today, we took advantage of the sunshine. We also took advantage of the fact that Mommy only works on Saturdays now. Another blessing. And when my husband (HUGE blessing) comes home, I get to go out to dinner with a dear friend. Double blessing! Oh, and did I mention I had a photo shoot with my cutest blessing this afternoon?

I don't deserve this life. But I'm lovin' it!!

Oh Dear

So my Mom is town this weekend, and she stopped by our place to see Liam before he went to bed. She hasn't seen him since January, when she stayed overnight with him the very first time Mommy and Daddy went away for the night.

She walked into the kitchen this evening, where we had just taken Liam out of the bath, and he was laying on the counter. She didn't get within 3 feet of him before he started SHRIEKING, and rolling away from her. I'm serious, he was SHRIEKING. I have never seen anything like it.

Now, let me say this: I am confident beyond a shadow of a doubt that my mother has not, nor would she ever, harm my child. Or any child, for that matter.

I think what happened tonight was an amplified version of what happened with my mother in law on Wednesday. I think Liam remembers being left. With Donna, we've never left him for very long (a couple of hours, tops), so the reaction wasn't as severe. With my Mom, we were gone over 24 hours, and he remembers. Oh boy, does he ever.

My poor mother. And my poor son! Who would have thought he would start this at 3 1/2 months???

Test Day

I'll never do that again.

Everyone always says, "Oh the night before is the worst. The day of you won't even know you've had anything done."

That was not my experience.

I woke up more than once during the procedure, screaming and crying from the pain. I wasn't even groggy when I got to recovery. And I just wanted to get the heck out of there,

Some good things about today, though:
Liam was in much better spirits, and had a good day with Gran.
My friend Bri drove me to and fro, and we just don't get to spend enough time together.
I got to take a 2 hour nap with my stinkerpot when I got home.
My wonderful and loving husband threw the budget to the wind and bought Chipotle for dinner, since it's my favorite and I couldn't eat yesterday,
And as I type this, the aforementioned stinkerpot is asleep in my arms, again.

So, to recap the day: rough start, really rough middle, nice ending.

Looking Ahead

Daddy Daycare is officially over, and the Tyranny of Mom has resumed (that's what Will calls it, in jest, mostly because I make Liam do stuff like tummy time.) I truly enjoyed my day with my son, especially the three hour nap we took together. I am so aware that I'm not guaranteed another second with this precious being, so I'm just trying to soak in what I can. But I'm also really looking forward to the future. Not in a 'wishing his life away' way, but just really looking forward to getting to know him, have conversations with him, do things with him. I'm going to be honest: at least once a week I think about how I can't wait to go to Disney World with him! Sometimes I'll look at him when he's passed out on either Will or I and think, "That's what he'll look like when we're carrying him out of the Magic Kingdom at 10 o'clock at night."

My heart is full. I can't wait to experience this little guy's life. And I also can't wait until 7:30 tomorrow morning when I get to start another day with him.

Who are you?

What is up with my baby tonight??

Where did that sweet, funny little guy go?

There were glimpses of him tonight. But they were overshadowed by the screaming banshee that looked like my baby. I'm guessing teething, but since I'm a first-timer, I can't be for sure. He's had white bumps on his lower gums since he was six weeks old, but now he has HUGE white bumps on his upper gums. He drools like crazy, puts everything in his mouth, and screamed the "I'm in pain" cry for way too long tonight. We gave him some tylenol (not sure if we were supposed to, but he was miserable!), and that helped.

Any ideas when I'll get my baby back?

Heartsick

I miss him. I miss him so much. It hurts sometimes, I miss him so much. You wouldn't think that working 5 hours a day would be that much, but when you've got this at home, it's heartbreaking. I know I have to work right now, but I pray that God will make a way for me to stay home with him, and that he'll still love me, and he won't forget me.

Perspective

I had some down time at work today, and I also had my Mac with me, so I spent a great deal of time looking at pictures. Isn't it funny how girls ALWAYS think they're fat? I look at pictures from my wedding and remember the crying fit I had in the dressing room at Dillards trying on swimsuits for my honeymoon. I wanted so much to be beautiful for my husband, and I felt like an utter failure.

Fast forward 2.5 years: I'm just three months out from giving birth, I weigh more than I have weighed since my sophomore year in college, and I have never felt more beautiful. The difference? Self-confidence and a change in perspective. Having Liam changed the way I see everything, and for the better. Yes, I am very ready to lose the baby weight, but my value as a person doesn't depend on it. I want to be healthy and honor God with my body, but I'm not going to say negative things about myself, to myself, because I'm not where I want to be.

Motherhood has had such a positive impact on me in the first three months; I can't wait to see what's next!

My Job

I've never really had a job that I loved. The closest I came was when I worked at Disney World, and that was mostly because I could play in the parks for free, not because I loved giving people menus and showing them to their tables. The job I have now is great; great company to work for, good co workers, excellent pay, easy job. And I don't want to be there at all. Every job I've had has eventually become very boring for me, and now I know why: I'm supposed to be a Mommy. That's what I'm wired up to do. I would have never, EVER guessed it. But it's true. So, while I sit at work making way too much money and being bored, the most important and fulfilling job I've ever had is being done by my husband.

Perspective

We don't fit in our residence anymore. The result: stuff everywhere. It drives me nuts. I'm not a clean freak, but I like everything to be put away before I go to bed every night (something I fear I've inherited from my mother.) When you shove three people into a little 2 bedroom townhouse, you can't put everything away every night. There is no 'away.' I have varying degrees of frustration with this.

On a related note, it seems that after being married to him for over 2 years, I have only recently discovered that my husband hates his socks. I mean, he wears them and all, but at some point in the evening, no matter where he is, he will decide he just can't take it anymore, remove his socks, and throw them in the floor. Somehow I missed this for over two years, but I am now happening upon his socks in all kinds of places. A little annoying some days, but really we just laugh at how oblivious I was to this habit.

So this morning I was lamenting on our incredibly over-stuffed and messy house. Then I went upstairs and saw my husbands socks. And I thought, "There may come a day when I wish those socks were being discarded all over the house still." And then I thought that one day I (or my husband and I) may live somewhere else, someplace where we have room to put everything away. And our house stays nice and neat. And it's boring and quiet.

And I decided, it's not so bad being messy.

3 months later

I am totally obsessed with this picture today. Even while I was feeding Liam this afternoon, holding the real deal in my arms, I couldn't stop looking at this picture. He was SO tiny! Sometimes it's hard for me to see this tiny baby in the little 3 month old I hold in my arms.

The postpartum period was really hard for me. Even as I was going through it, I had such conflicted feelings. I wanted it to be over so badly; I wanted him to be a little older and for our life to have some sense of normalcy again. But even as I had those thoughts, I had enormous waves of guilt at wishing his little life away. I knew there would come a day where I would want him to be teeny tiny again, and I could never get it back. The hormones of a woman who has just given birth are murder on her thoughts and emotions.